Broke Bachelor Blues

About author / Josh Gunn

Bachelor chef; southern cooking; mixologist; university professor. Josh's recipes will delight (and sometimes terrify) you.

Drawing on your own hard times experience, let us pretend we have a friendly, hardworking bachelor who puts in the overtime. Let's say he worked an extra job this summer to build up some of the savings that he lost from an unexpected hospital stay. Let us also pretend he suffers from Dr. Bachelor's Law: Murphy was an optimist. Let us also say, owing to debt incurred from an advanced degree, his credit is maxed out and/or he froze his cards in a block of ice in the freezer.

Then, let's fantasize Dr. Bachelor's Law came to pass: in June a pet required major medical expenses. In that same month, a major $2,000 car repair was needed. Then, let's say in July, owing to weeks and weeks of triple digit temps, the radiator fan in his car dies, which in turn led to the clutch in his air conditioner melting. Since our pretend bachelor lives in central Texas, the air conditioner had to be replaced, incurring another $4,200 bill. Finally, let's say in mid-August two car engine coils crack owing to bad spark plugs, which incurs another $400. Suddenly our hypothetical bachelor is left with $30 in the bank, and payday is not for another two weeks. Poor bachelor!

Fortunately, owing to a familiarity with Bachelor's Law, our pretend bachelor has been in this position before. He knows if he goes for some inexpensive soul food, he can make it at least a week and a half on certain recipes, and that he can attend free meals and potlucks for the rest. So, to plan his meals for the next two weeks, our friendly bachelor maps out what work events will sponsor food, and plans to attend those. For events in which he will be expected to pay for his own food, he will conveniently have "other plans" or come down with an allergy attack. This makes for four meals.

What about the rest? Okay, he thinks. What is filling? Protein. Protein is the most filling. Carbs are nice, but they can cause cravings. Yet, carbs are cheap. Hmm. A compromise food is needed. It occurs to him that the old stand-by, red beans and rice, has both carbs and protein. This will work for evening meals. He also reckons he can have lunch and breakfast together---brunch, as it were. Eggs are good for that. If he buys the cheap bacon on sale, he'll have seasoning for the beans and a breakfast meat. So far so good.

Our dutiful, broke bachelor then makes his shopping list. He chooses a dozen eggs because he can eat two a day. He decides that, for the breakfast omelets, he will buy a block of cheese, since it is often the same price as the pre-shredded cheese, but it is more in volume if he grates it himself. So on his list he has: red beans; small yellow onion; small garlic; green pepper; green onions; celery; peanut butter (for snacks with the leftover celery); cheap drink mix; bacon; red beans.

He knows that, at the big box grocery store, Mall Wart, he can get most of these items for cheaper than everywhere else. He feels guilty about shopping at Mall Wart because of their bad employee welfare practices, but he reasons its only "just this once." He endures large, two-cart families with wide swaths of misbehaving children taking all of the aisle space. He wore steel-toed boots since he knows such monstrous families have a tendency to roll over people's feet in their giant, child-saddled buggies.

He emerges, however, triumphant. Here's the grocery countdown:
• Generic paper towels 2.86
• Celery 1.36
• Green onions 1.00
• Bell pepper .68
• Yellow onion .56
• Peanut butter 2.32
• Sugar free drink mix 1.98
• Bacon 2.50
• Red beans 1.18
• Curly parsley .98
• Dozen eggs .99
• Cheddar block 1.98

The grand total is 18.39, and with his local sales tax, still came in under $19.00. This will feed our pretend bachelor for at least another week and a half, and two if he doesn't overeat. It's not healthy, and it won't win the bachelor any nutritionist's awards, but it is (a) healthier than fast food dollar menu meals; (b) will last much longer than the latter; and (c) high in protein, which is more filling and keeps him satisfied longer.

Now, our pretend bachelor cannot afford to make the freshest version of red beans and rice. Instead, he will make the modified, cheaper version:

Serves/Makes: 7

• 1 pound dried beans, rinsed, drained, and "quick prepared"
• 8 cups water
• 4 tablespoons butter or olive oil
• 1 small yellow onion, chopped
• 1 small green bell pepper, chopped
• 1 small red bell pepper, chopped
• 3 stalks celery
• 4 cloves garlic
• 4 tablespoons fresh parsley, more if desired
• 1 1/2 tablespoon dried oregano (if on hand)
• 2 bay leaves
• 1 dash hot sauce (or to taste)
• 1 dash Worcestershire sauce (or to taste)
• 4 slices bacon, cooked crispy and crumbled, lard reserved (use more if desired)
• 1 dash Cajun/Creole seasoning
• 1 dash onion powder
• 1 bunch green onions, chopped for garnish
• 1 cup cooked rice