Battling the Bachelor Blues During the Holidays

About author / Josh Gunn

Bachelor chef; southern cooking; mixologist; university professor. Josh's recipes will delight (and sometimes terrify) you.

If you follow this column regularly, you know that I was to have Thanksgiving with the owners of this website. Owing to forces beyond our control, our annual little (Franken-)turkey party didn’t happen. Traffic on the website was through the roof, which is great for bidness, but that meant Brent and Valerie were making sure y’all could get your turkey roasting recipe search results quickly instead of roasting an actual bird (what sacrifices we make for your gastrointestinal demands!).

And then when user demand died down enough for the owners to move into their kitchen (presumably because folks were eating and not searching for recipes), I was unable to drive out to meet them because of a damaged “mass air flow filter” and “throttle body” in my car, whatever the heck those are (and hey, just because I’m a guy doesn’t mean I work on cars).

So, I spent Thanksgiving at home. I wrote most of the day, talked on the phone to the family back in Georgia and some friends in far-flung places. For dinner I made chicken and some of my smothered greens and cornbread. And then for a couple of hours in the evening, when the special holiday shows came on television, I started feeling . . . well, I started feeling lonely.

There. I said it. The other “L” word. Okay, maybe the third “L” word. But whatever.

Now, if you’re a bachelor you may have had a similar day, or perhaps you worry about having a bout of loneliness as we get closer to the special Jewish and Christian holidays? You’re not alone; there’s a lot of us single-people-away-from-a-family out there, and first of all realizing that you’re not the “only lonely” may be something of a comfort (props to Roy Orbison, the patron saint of holiday bachelordom).

See, one of the unfortunate side-effects of the commercialization of the holidays is that we’re bombarded on every screen and through every speaker with advertisements and programs that tell us what the holidays are supposed to be: full of visitors, constant messages and hugs from family and friends, and romantic evenings with loved ones. These images and suggestions create ideals that don’t quite match-up with many of our realities, and sometimes comparing your “real world” experience with these commercial fantasies can make you think like you fall short, and thus, feel lonelier than you otherwise would feel. Some families are tiny, some are spread out over many states, and some aren’t all that pleasant to be around anyhow.

In fact, in recent years folks from large families who had busy, full holiday feasts and gatherings have reported feeling depressed after the holiday. Why? Because the gathering or feast was actually normal, if not a little boring. The game on television was preempted by yet another airing of A Christmas Story with Peter Billingsley. Uncle Bob looked like he was ready to leave the moment he arrived, and your wee cousin Sue-Sue peed in your lap. This kind of real-life experience is nothing like the sentimental depiction of family gathering in I’ll Be Home for Chanukah on the Hydrogen Network. In short, very few “real life” holidays resemble anything on television or in the movies, nor can they live up to the sort of consumption-driven expectations created by the Holiday Industries (HI)™.

I thought, then, I’d kick off December’s columns of Bachelor Chow with a series related to beating the blues: in this season of holiday eating, what can the single guy do to stave off the blues or feeling alone? First and foremost, if someone asks, tell them! I mentioned to some friends I had a somewhat lonely Thanksgiving. I got this email response not shortly thereafter from a friend: I thought this might cheer you up, post [expletive] Thanksgiving: Today I busted open my fortune cookie and to my dismay/delight it read: "Love or Money? Or neither?" Apparently, all I have is my winning personality, which means I should probably just give up. So in conclusion, it could be worse: you could be me!

My friend was using some self-deprecating humor to get a rise from me, and it worked! Nothing like a laugh can lift your mood, and especially nothing like a laugh prompted by a friend who is basically saying, “I’m thinking of you.” So, telling people that you had a lonely day, or that you’d like to get out and do something, brings out the love from others you’re missing. No one can “reach out and touch” you unless you say, “yo, um, touch me!”

Second, don’t deny your loneliness, because that can tempt the proverbial downward spiral. It is healthy and normal to feel lonely, especially on the holidays, because, again, the expectations for how to have a “proper” holiday experience are piled so high very few people can live up to them (and they’re called “actors” anyway, even your always happy aunt Edna).

Denying feelings of loneliness and damming them up can be worse, and perhaps send you into a full-blown depression. The trick (and I speak from experience, folks) is to not dwell or obsess on the past. Both denying or dwelling on your loneliness can include drinking to excess, since there tends to be a lot of booze available on the holidays. Since drinking is a physical depressant, one can understand how too much booze can promote a downward spiral of despair. And let’s face it: we have plenty of television and Hollywood versions of what that looks like, so don’t try to imitate that guy! Drink that third glass of eggnog to put up with the mother-in-law if you must, but not alone . . . in your trailer . . . down by the river.

Third: COOK and GIVE! Nothing is more therapeutic and curative for the holiday blues than making food to give to others for the holidays! Thinking about cooking things for friends and those you care about (even people you’d like to become your friends) gives you a sense of communal purpose and a mission. Cooking for others also gives you an excuse to see someone: either invite folks over for dinner one evening (even if it’s not that overburdened day) or drop by their house, workplace, or office cubicle to deliver a holiday goody. Finally, and perhaps most importantly: giving a food you’ve made to someone may remind them they are not alone too. You’d be surprised how many folks you know get the blues on the holidays but don’t show it. Heck, this is what gift-giving is all about: it’s not necessarily what you give, it’s the gesture of giving that says: “you are not alone! Here, have this gift-wrapped muscle cream from the dollar store.” Making something for someone is even a more impressive gesture of caring.

Now, I’m not saying you need to be making everyone fruitcake---or, excuse me [clears throat]: “pecan cake.” But there are other holiday foods that are easy to prepare and give away. In the coming weeks, I’ll be sharing some bachelor friendly recipes that the single guy can make for friends and family.