Smothered Greens and Gettin' Reg'ler

About author / Josh Gunn

Bachelor chef; southern cooking; mixologist; university professor. Josh's recipes will delight (and sometimes terrify) you.

When I was kid and my mom made greens, I'd find myself singing the refrain of an old Lynard Skynard song, the lyrics of which I cannot repeat because they'd sue us. What I said, however, was "yuck, what's that smell?" I'll admit the smell of cooking collard, turnip, or kale greens is not the smell of death (that smell, my friends, is reserved for the dentist's office), but it does reek nonetheless. Fortunately, just like I learned to love cheap beer, I learned to love the fragrant wafts of cooking smothered greens, a necessary side dish for any proper bachelor's table—southern or not!

Now, for those of you not in the know, smothered greens consist of any variety and combination of the leafy green tops of collard, mustard, turnip, or kale plants. Apparently there is evidence that people have eaten collard and kale greens for thousands of years. But the way we tend to eat 'em today in the southern United States descends from the culinary ingenuity of enslaved African Americans.

When slave owners gave their slaves food it was often table scraps, left over bits of pig (like the feet), and so on, which our fellow Americans turned into smothered greens, a complex medley of meaty and tangy flavors. I should also admit that people either love or detest smothered greens because of their strong flavor. However, if you've never tried them you should make them at least once in your life, especially if you are constipated. And heck, I can even tell you how to make the vegetarian variety. See below.

The thing about smothered greens is they are absolutely, positively lifeless when they're done, so you can leave 'em on the stove for a while to keep them warm if need be. You MUST serve these with cornbread, which I'll tell ya how to make next week. And, of course, don't throw out the liquid or "pot likker" when the greens are done: you pour this into little bowls and then dip your cornbread in it. Yum! Finally, yes, smothered greens are delicious to most folks with good taste, but don't over indulge because they'll work a number on your digestive tract.

Serves/Makes: 8

• 6 pounds collard greens or greens of any variety
• 1 cup chopped onion
• 1 cup chopped green bell pepper
• 1/2 cup chopped celery
• 1/2 pound bacon
• OR
• 1/4 cup olive oil (for vegetarians)
• 2 ham hocks
• Creole seasoning (e.g., Slap Ya Mama, Tony's, etc.)
• black pepper
• 3 teaspoons white vinegar (or to taste)
• hot peppered vinegar