Springtime for Bachelors! Or, Get a Houseplant!

About author / Josh Gunn

Bachelor chef; southern cooking; mixologist; university professor. Josh's recipes will delight (and sometimes terrify) you.

The weather is finally changing, and green stuff is starting to appear outside. Unfortunately, with the green stuff also comes pollinating trees, which means allergy season is well-under way, and bachelors everywhere are dosed up on antihistamines. But, with the bad also comes the good, and for me, that means it's time to plant green stuff. For this week's column, I'd like to depart from food somewhat and talk about livening-up the man cave with plants.

Now, many of us bachelors rent apartments or live in condos and duplexes; this seems to be built-into basic bachelordom. This means we don't have a lot of space for planting stuff. I've discovered, however, container gardening is doable on small patio spaces as long as there is sun (or shade, depending on what you plant). Nothing impresses others more than a bachelor who can grow his own herbs and plants---and I would add, it's also kind of fun.

I grow many of my own herbs on my patio. I've discovered the secret to being a "green thumb"---or at least appearing like one---is doing two things: (a) waiting; and (b) throwing out the plants that die and replacing them with new plants. I used to think that folks with a "green thumb" were really good at getting things to grow. That may be true, but I also know gardeners deal with plant death . . . a lot. Fortunately, plants at the big box home improvement stores are so cheap, if you buy one and it dies on you, it's not a big deal! Except maybe to the plant.

Houseplants are also a good addition to a bachelor's pad: they liven up a space (literally) and help to purify the air—or so plant sellers will tell you. Now, to truly notice the change in air quality you'd practically have to plant a jungle in your home, which is too much work. So the claim about purifying the air in your home is overblown. Whatevs. Houseplants do look good, however, and can help us bachelors escape the connotation that bachelors = lazy = boring home decor = smelly.

The problem with houseplants, of course, is that you have to attend to them every now and again—that is, you have to water them, guys. I've discovered through years of trial and error (that is, years of dead plants) that a handful of houseplant varieties do handle neglect fairly well (this is essential to me because I travel a bunch). If you're new to taking care of plants, here are a few varieties that weather typical bachelor neglect in the pad fairly well:

Pothos: Sometimes termed a Marble Queen, Devil's Ivy, or a Golden Queen depending on the color, the pothos plant is a vine plant with pretty leaves. These are often sold in hanging pots ("trailer") or in floor pots tied to a post ("climber"). They get rather large with little attention in well-lit but sunless spots. Good for cave-like apartments as long as they're close-ish to a window (but no direct sunlight). I've had pothos for years and it takes a LOT of neglect to kill one off.

Aspidistra: This nearly indestructible plant is called the "Cast Iron" because, well, it's nearly indestructible. I actually discovered this plant because my graduate school advisor always says, "keep the aspidistra flying," and I still have no idea what he means by that. Regardless, this little guy resembles large blades of grass in a way, sometimes with marbling. It's not much to look at, if you ask me, but you can practically grow one in a closet and never water it. This one is good to keep if you're never home and prone to forget to water it. Of course, you do need to water it sometimes, and fertilizer every now and again is probably good, but you cannot go wrong with this one.

Ficus: Ficus plants—from bushes to small trees—have the reputation for being fussy plants, but I think that reputation is not deserved. When you move a ficus, it drops all of its leaves. It's fussy in the sense that these plants do not like to be moved. However, once they're established in a spot with moderate sun (no direct sunlight, however, is advised) they are relatively hearty. When you buy one and get it home, it will drop its leaves---but it should also be growing some new ones. Because bachelors have a reputation for letting things sit where they are forever (e.g., never rearranging the furniture), this is a good "let it alone" plant. You do need to water it, however, or it will disrobe its leaves on you. And nothing is more dispiriting than a naked houseplant.

Of course, there are other neglect-ready plants out there, but these three are the ones I've had the most success with. Cacti also handle neglect fairly well, though I confess they're rather boring and absolutely no fun if you accidentally fall on one. What other plants do readers suggest a bachelor try?