Dinner Conversation: How to be a Pleasant Bachelor

About author / Josh Gunn

Bachelor chef; southern cooking; mixologist; university professor. Josh's recipes will delight (and sometimes terrify) you.

Some time ago I cooked dinner for a surprising combination of guests, some of whom were unexpected. Two women whom I had briefly dated were there, as well as two of my best friends, and then a complete stranger (a friend of a former date). How we all came to the same table is a complicated event worthy of the most convoluted sit-com plot, but the short of it is this: I try to be a nice and generous guy.

In any event, because I was the common denominator, the challenge of the evening was finding something that we could all have fun discussing that wasn't about me; not only would that be uncomfortable, it's just bad conversational form. Half of us came from academic backgrounds, and half of us from backgrounds working in government, so "shop talk" wouldn't work. We also came from very different socio-economic backgrounds, so our leisure time experiences, we quickly learned, were dramatically different (I don't know about the lot of you, but I certainly don't fly to exotic cities just to go shopping).

Unfortunately, about a half-hour into our visit it became clear we would not rise to meet the challenge. The complete stranger turned out to be very opinionated—so opinionated, in fact, that she was blind to the social cues coming at her from around the table. She cut people off in mid-sentence; she had something to say for every discussion point; she talked about herself. A lot. She provoked one of my guests by, well, by picking a fight about foreign politics. The discussion continued while the rest of us listened and chewed. Their conversation got heated. I tried to jump in to change the topic, but these two were engaged like international wrestlers, each unable to get a-hold of the other's ear. My other friends looked nervously at each other. I got up to attend to some kitchen duties. Then the screaming started. I stayed in the kitchen and pretended to wash dishes.

That evening turned out to be one of the most interesting and uncomfortable in recent memory, and I must confess that while I now have a story to tell (believe me, I left out a lot of the details to protect the innocent), I would rather that the evening had been more comfortable. Despite being the most "high classed" and cultured at the table, the stranger had apparently never been schooled in the dos and don'ts of dinner conversation. There is no strict list that works universally, but: bachelors, to be a good dinner companion or host, please observe the following tips:

1. Don't Talk About Yourself: As you long-time readers know, I looooovvvvvvee to talk about myself, and am just the cutest little narcissist ever. That doesn't mean I let myself talk about myself at dinner! Generally, whether you are a host or a guest at a dinner party, it is better to ask questions of others. A good question to ask is what a guest does for a living. Another is where someone is from. Only if someone asks you something about yourself or your life should you volunteer it. Remember: we tend to dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves. Work hard to be other-oriented and not self-oriented, and you'll be great at dinner.

2. Always Compliment the Cook: If you are a guest, it is always mandatory that you say something to whomever prepared the meal. If the meal is good, tell the cook! If the meal is not so good, compliment the cook on the trouble s/he went through, the labor invested in making the food, it's presentation. You don't have to lie. Oh, and in some Asian cultures burping aloud is taken as a compliment. You might try that and see how it goes over at the stately home of the Thornbirds for dinner. (Just joshing!)

3. Avoid Discussion of Politics and Religion, Unless Everyone is on the Same Page: At a very young age my parents taught me to never discuss politics and religion at the dinner table, and in general this rule has served me well (for starters, I'm very left of center and my entire family is very "conservative" socially, politically, and religiously).

If you know everyone at the table, this rule can be relaxed. For example: recently I had dinner at my boss's house, surrounded by other academics. I knew everyone was politically on the left, and so I did bring up the recent election as a topic of conversation. We had a lovely discussion. I could never, however, bring up this topic eating with my family. Same goes for the god stuff: don't bring up religious beliefs (certainly religious conflict, such as that in the Middle East) unless you know the diners well.

4. Bring Up Topics in Popular Culture: Unlike religion or politics, most people respond to popular culture events in similar ways. I've found asking people about their favorite music is a conversation starter; at numerous dinners before New Year's Eve, I asked folks what their favorite album of the year was. Discussion about widely seen films and television shows is often good. Finally, if all else fails, find out what just happened to Britney Spears or Paris Hilton and report it at dinner. Or not.

5. Ask About Pets and Children: Dinner guests typically have either pets or children. If they don't, be sure to ask about their work or life-partners. Otherwise, inquire as to how Little Bobby is doing, or if Snookums has started using the litter box again. Now, you may not be able to take the answers, so go here only if you're genuinely interested in learning about the loved ones of guests. People love to talk about who and what they love!

Of course, I could go on with more suggestions, but I think these five cover the basics. Ultimately, the most important tip is not to talk about yourself, keeping the focus on others at dinner. Be sensitive to the look of boredom on the faces of others; if they seemed uninterested in the topic of discussion, change it! But by all means, don't start a shouting match!